My Weird Fate
by NekonoKatzen
Summary: An attempt at a humor fic involving really random, strange moments in the life of our beloved X1999 characters. It's supposed to all be post X18, but, yeah.
1. An Afternoon's Horror

If you thought my last fic was uber good, you better stop reading now because you're about to be thoroughly disappointed XD This fic is not meant to be taken seriously, nyo. It's simply a short little drabble that I came up with as I listened to my best friend whine about her little sister having her learners. Oh! And there is some Subaru/Kamui-ish stuff in this, but you can easily overlook it if you want.

… I assure you all that my next fic will be more serious…

**Disclaimer: CLAMP owns X/1999, okay?**

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**My Weird Fate- **_An Afternoon's Horror_

**By: Nariko**

_Bing-bong!_

Subaru groaned, rolled over, and whapped his alarm clock.

_Bing-bong! Bing-bong!_

Okay, so it wasn't the alarm clock after all; no, it was the doorbell.

Subaru groggily rolled out of bed and quickly realized that he was still dressed in his normal, pitch-black garb. He promptly patted himself down to make sure there wasn't any dried blood on his clothes, fixed his hair, and dragged himself to the front door, pausing for a moment to try to guess who could possibly be waking him up at this hour (afterall, noon was early for him now). He swore if it was Fuuma, or "Kamui" as he liked to be called, again he was going to freak out and quite possibly try to harm him.

"What do you…" he said as he unlatched the five locks on his door and yanked it open. There, smiling at him, was Kamui. Dragon of Heaven Kamui, that is. Subaru blinked in confusion a few times. "…want?"

"Can you teach me how to drive?" Kamui flashed him a wide-eyed, hopeful look.

The Onmyouji raised an eyebrow. "… you don't _need_ to drive."

"I know, but I want to. I got my permit and everything." He proudly held it up for Subaru to see.

Subaru gave him a flat look. "Kamui, I don't have a license."

"So?"

"You have to have a licensed driver with you."

"I know. That's why Karen is coming too."

"Karen has a license?" Kamui nodded. "Then what do you need me for?"

Suddenly Karen popped up behind the younger Seal. "He wants you there for support, of course!"

"… how did you two find out where I live?" Subaru considered sending them off and going back to bed. This whole thing was just too… random… for his tastes.

Karen smirked. "Imonoyama-san told us." Somehow that answer failed to surprise Subaru in the least.

"Come with us, Subaru?"

"Yeah, it's not like you have to be afraid or anything. Kamui-chan drives like an old woman!" Karen laughed as Kamui twitched thenblushed.

"Subaru?" Kamui, still pink faced, gently grasped one of Subaru's hands between his own. "Please?"

Subaru stared into Kamui's pleading violet eyes for a moment. "Fine," Subaru relented.

"Wonderful!" Karen led the two men downstairs, taking note of the fact that Kamui never let go of Subaru's hand. "I'll be driving us just out of Tokyo. That way Kamui can practice someplace that's not so insane."

"You… you're driving?" Kamui suddenly froze, holding Subaru back.

"What's wrong, Kamui?" Subaru felt Kamui pull him a little closer, as if he was some sort of security blanket.

"Oh, Kamui's just being a little dramatic!" Karen pushed the two out the door and directed them to her car.

This time, both of the men froze; Subaru joining Kamui in being overcome with feelings of dread. "Karen-san, how… how long have you had this car?" He stared at the red, horrifyingly dented hunk of metal in front of him.

"Oh, I got it about six months ago." She smiled as she wrenched the driver's side door open. "One of my customers sold it to me brand new at a discounted price." Karen got in and started the car, waving at the guys to get in as well.

Subaru and Kamui both slid into the backseat, clinging to each other, trying to ignore the impending doom looming over their heads. They both jumped simultaneously as Karen revved the gas, suddenly wondering if either of them would actually live to see the Promised Day.

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If I feel compelled, I might add more random chapters to this fic. We'll just have to see. Mya! I'm such a moody writer! XD 


	2. A Hole in the Wall

Okay, this fic is turning out to be a Subaru-centric one. It wasn't intentional, but damn it, he's just SO fun to mess with. Sooo… on with the Subaru torture!

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**My Weird Fate** _- A Hole in the Wall._

**By: Nariko**

_Bing-bong! Bing-bong!_

Once again, the doorbell was ringing. "Go _away_!" Subaru groggily yelled as he tried to ignore it: goddamn it, this time he was going to get his fill of sleep if it was the last thing he did. Of course, as fate would have it, the person at the door showed no signs of giving up, and so the ringing continued.

_Bing-bong! Bing-bong! Bing-bong!_

He grumbled under his breath as he shuffled to the door, deciding to actually use his peep-hole, for once. "Damn it, it's Fuuma." He thought about what to do for a moment, decided to ignore the visitor, and began to walk back to his room. Just then, an energy ball blasted through what had been Subaru's door.

Fuuma stepped through the gaping hole and raised his hand in greeting, "Yo, Subaru!"

"Don't 'Yo, Subaru' me! Look what you did to my fucking door!" Subaru twitched. He actually rarely ever swore like this, but if there was ever a time to do it, this was it.

"Like it matters. This building will eventually crumble with all the others." The young man shrugged, ignoring the fact that Subaru was glaring daggers at him.

"What the hell do you want, Fuuma?"

"That's 'Kamui' to you!" He threw his book-bag on the floor and plopped down on Subaru's couch. "I was bored, so I decided to check up on the Sakurazukamori. How's your tree?"

"Listen, I'm not in the mood to deal with you right now."

"Oh? Would you rather me go play with the other Kamui instead?" Fuuma smirked: he knew that threatening his twin star could get Subaru to do almost anything.

Subaru twitched, "No."

"Okay, then." He lounged, putting his feet up on the coffee table. "Make me lunch."

"_Excuse me_?" He felt as if his eye was going to begin twitching at any moment.

"I said, make me lunch. Some onigiri or sandwiches would suffice." His eyes darted around the room. "Damn, your apartment is pretty drab."

Subaru decided to ignore the younger man's last comment. "You can get onigiri and sandwiches at the convenience store down the street."

"I know. I just want you to make them instead." He shifted himself around so that he was now lying on the couch, facing away from the kitchen, his head propped up by a pillow and his feet hanging off the opposite armrest.

"_Why_?"

"Because, umm… I'm restraining my Kamui Molesting Urges for you, and I expect something in return." He nodded and closed his eyes. "Now get to it. Oh," suddenly he remembered something he had brought for Subaru and went rummaging through his book-bag, "and wear this." He tossed a frilly, pink apron at Subaru, who just let the garment fall to the floor.

Subaru glared at the cotton pile of pink. "You're screwing with me, right?"

"No, that was Sakurazuka's job." Fumma barked laughter.

Subaru twitched at the comment, but decided to let it slide. He didn't need _another_ part of his apartment to be blasted away, afterall. "I'm not wearing it."

Fuuma gasped dramatically, bending his neck backward so that he was looking at his now-fellow Dragon upside down. "But dear little Kamui's sanity depends on it!"

Mumbling a variety of swearwords under his breath, Subaru put the apron on. "I hate you."

"I never said you had to like me." He grinned sadistically, "And you look _so_ cute."

"Shut up."

Fuuma chuckled to himself as he heard Subaru growl and begrudgingly start cooking. It had been entirely true that he was bored before he came, and nothing was more amusing than annoying the hell out of Subaru. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Subaru tightened his grip on his knife and violently stabbed a head of lettuce, wondering if maybe Fuuma would make good Sakura feed.

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Next chapter should be interesting. Like, I have two completely different versions written up: one where Subaru has to temporarily move back in with the Seals and chaos ensues, and another where Tree-san is annoying the hell out of Subaru. I'm so torn between the two! 


	3. An Intriguing Book

University and now-living-alone has been busy consuming my soul _and_ my time, so it took me forever to finish off this damn chapter. But it's DONE! And about four more chapters for this fic have been started, so be prepared for lots more randomness in the relatively near future. Oh, and I changed my mind as to when this fic takes place. It's now somewhere between X17 and X18. Simply because Sorata is more fun before Arashi disappears after Teh Sexing.

Anyway! Subaru gets off light in this one! This chapter is more on the Kamui torture side. Just because Kamui is amusing when he's pissed off.

**Warnings: SxK related teasing, alarm clock abuse.**

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My Weird Fate – _An Intriguing Book_

_Beep! Beep! Beep!_

Subaru shifted in the soft bed, feeling a little too comfortable to actually get up and do anything.

_Beep! Beep! Beep!_

Like, you know, shut off the alarm clock.

"I don't remember setting the alarm…" he mumbled into the pillow. He raised his head slightly and looked blurry-eyed at the little clock. "Why is it…?" He hit the snooze button, then the off button, but it still wouldn't stop beeping. That meant there was now only one thing left to try…

_Beep! Beep! Beeeee_

The clock suddenly found itself flying across the room, meeting its death as it slammed into wall, one last pathetic beep serving as its dying word. "Much better," Subaru mumbled again, snuggling back into the covers.

He awoke on his own a few hours later, around ten at night, and in his waking daze found himself totally confused as to where he was. Everything was all… frilly. And overly decorated. This couldn't possibly be _his_ apartment.

"Oh," he sat up and looked around, feeling a little more awake, "yeah. The Imonoyama Mansion. Right."

Subaru hadn't yet figured out why his grandmother had set up this particular living arrangement for him; afterall, he could have easily afforded to stay in a nice hotel for the two weeks that it was going to take to fix the hole in his apartment. But she had absolutely insisted on this, so he had little choice in the matter: she could be downright scary when she wanted to be. It was even worse now that she was really upset with him over the whole being-the-Sakurazukamori thing.

It wasn't like this was a particularly bad arrangement for him, though: he practically had a wing of the mansion all to himself (for the Seals' safety, Imonoyama had said), which meant he didn't have to even go near his former teammates. Well, unless he wanted anything from the kitchen. Then he was screwed: the smaller kitchen on his side of the mansion was never kept stocked.

Of course, it would just so happen that on this night, after skillfully avoiding the others for four days, he awoke with a mad craving for cherry flavored soda. Which was actually really strange, seeing as he didn't even_ like_ cherry flavored soda. Nevertheless, he simply could _not_ go to sleep without said bubbly sweetness, so he creped down to the kitchen, managing not to bring about any attention from the Seals in the adjoining sitting room.

"SORATAAA!" Kamui screamed as he tramped into the sitting area, obviously angry with the older Seal for some reason. Subaru peeked slightly out of the kitchen, curious to see what was going on.

"What's up, Kamui?" Sorata reclined back on the room's loveseat.

"This book you gave me! It's… it's…" Kamui hid his eyes behind his bangs as his shook, both in anger and embarrassment. "It's… two guys… doing…"

"Each other?" Sorata finished the sentence for the younger Seal, a huge grin on his face. "Yeah, I figured you're old enough to find out how that stuff is done, so I picked up a book to teach you."

"WHY THIS!" Kamui threw the book to his right, and heard it hit something with a soft thud. His eyes widened in horror as he realized what, exactly, the flying book had hit.

Subaru, who had emerged from the kitchen in the midst of Kamui's freak out, picked up the book that had just struck his thigh. "No! Subaru! Don't look!" Kamui yelped, turning a lovely crimson as he realized that it was too late: the older man was already flipping through the book.

"Hmm…" Subaru's cheeks became slightly pink, something most unbecoming of a heartless assassin, as he raised an intrigued eyebrow at the manga's first sex scene.

Kamui continued with his pathetic excuses, "It's not mine! Sorata is the one who bought it, and… and…" His face was so red that it looked as if it was going to spontaneously combust at any moment.

"Mm." Subaru simply shrugged, took a sip of his soda, and started to wander back to his room, still flipping through the book.

"Hey!" Sorata yelled at Subaru, "That's KAMUI'S book!"

Kamui shot Sorata the evil eye before he ran out into the hall after Subaru. "Subaru! I'm not… I'm not a pervert! It's really all Sorata's fault!" Kamui reached out pathetically and wailed after the older man, "Su-Subaruuu!"

"Aw, Kamui, this is your _chance_!" Karen seemingly appeared out of nowhere and placed a hand on Kamui's shoulder. "You should go look at it _with_ him!" She winked suggestively.

"No!" Kamui found himself stuttering helplessly, "It-It's not… it's not like that!"

"It's not?" She looked somewhat disappointed.

"NO!"

"Aw, come on, Kamui! You don't have to be embarrassed!" Sorata slapped Kamui on the back. "We understand that your hormones are pumping!"

"You _are_ a healthy teenage boy, after all." Karen added, trying to stifle a giggle as Kamui's blush spread beyond his face.

"I'm… I'm not going to listen to this!" Kamui huffed and stomped off… in the direction of Subaru's room, the two Seals noted with much snickering.

Meanwhile, Subaru sat on his bed and tilted his head, wondering if the position he was looking at in the book was really possible.

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The alarm clock scene was inspired by an experience I had with an old alarm clock of mine. Like, whenever its batteries were dying, the alarm would go off… and wouldn't STOP. That clock met a similar fate to the one in this fic too… 


End file.
